As a parent, you probably want your child to try their best, whether that means acing their math test, hitting the home run that wins the game or earning a solo in their dance recital. Setting high standards is part of growing up and learning responsibility.
But sometimes, striving to do well turns into perfectionism. Perfectionist children don’t just set high standards for themselves. They obsess. Their focus on achievement becomes stressful and makes it hard for them to function.
Unchecked, their perfectionism can spread into different aspects of their lives — a perfectionist student could see those traits spilling over into athletics and other extracurricular activities, for example.
When children avoid challenges, tie their worth to their achievements or are afraid to make mistakes, you may want to help them find balance.
What’s the line between healthy goals and perfectionism?
Kids who set goals and push themselves are often described as “high achievers.” This can be a good thing, since it means they care and want to succeed. These kids often feel proud when they work hard and see progress.
Tulasi Goriparthi, MD, a psychiatrist with Banner Health, said that healthy goals involve:
- High standards that are realistic and based on a child’s previous achievements
- Striving for excellence but maintaining a positive outlook
- A desire to achieve the best
- A growth mindset
- Satisfaction with achievements
- Enhanced productivity
It’s healthy to feel frustrated, but not devastated, when goals aren’t achieved. For example, a B student might aim for an A on their next test. If they get a B, they might be disappointed but they can reflect on why they didn’t achieve their goal. They can accept the result without letting it affect their day-to-day life.
Perfectionism is different. Children with perfectionist tendencies set high, unrealistic goals that aren’t in line with their abilities. They set themselves up for failure and when they don’t get the outcome they want, they are so distressed they can’t think about why they couldn’t reach their goal or look for ways to improve.
A child with perfectionist tendencies may:
- Feel upset or ashamed over small mistakes
- Set goals so high they are impossible to reach
- Focus more on results than learning
- Struggle to feel good about their efforts even when they succeed
- Be afraid to fail
- Feel inadequate
Instead of enjoying the process, they may constantly worry about what could go wrong. “And anything less than perfect is unacceptable,” Dr. Goriparthi said.
Why do some young people struggle with perfectionist tendencies?
Perfectionism can develop from a mix of personality, genetics and environment. Some children may be naturally more sensitive or detail-focused. “Children set high standards of excellence for themselves according to the demands of their school and family,” Dr. Goriparthi said.
Kids with conditions like high-functioning autism or anxiety may be more prone to obsessive or perfectionist tendencies. And children who often hear praise only for accomplishments, not for effort, may believe their worth depends on performance.
How does perfectionism affect mental health?
Perfectionism isn’t just about doing well. It can take a toll on a child’s emotional health. “Perfectionist children are constantly dealing with both internal and external pressures,” Dr. Goriparthi said.
Children who are perfectionists may have:
- Feelings of sadness, anger, futility, distress, embarrassment or blame
- Anxiety, which can create fear of failure, leading them to avoid challenging situations
- Feelings of inadequacy, which may lead to hopelessness, low self-worth and depression
- Negative self-talk and self-criticism
- Trouble sleeping
- Irritability and withdrawal
- Obsessive habits, including unhealthy eating behaviors, obsessive thoughts about weight and food, eating disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorder
These issues can affect school, friendships and daily life.
What parents can do to help
You can’t take away all of life’s challenges, but you can help your child build a healthier mindset.
“Children may believe that adults in their life are perfect. Explaining to them that failure is just another stage of life can help children understand that adults also fail,” Dr. Goriparthi said. “Talk about adults’ shortcomings with kids and ask for their input. Show your kids that you are not perfect and that you are okay with it.”
Here are a few ways to support a perfectionist kid:
- Encourage high standards, not perfection: Help them choose realistic, step-by-step, achievable goals they can feel good about.
- Focus on the process: Talk about what they learned or tried, not just the outcome.
- Emphasize fun: Explain to them that winning is not essential but having fun is.
- Celebrate effort: Praise hard work, persistence and creativity, even when things don’t go perfectly.
- Model resilience: Share your own mistakes and what you learned from them.
- Teach mindfulness: Mindfulness can help them address negative thoughts. Ask them to focus on what they can smell, hear, see or taste.
- Encourage downtime: Cutting back on extra activities should be seen as “pruning,” not “quitting”.
- Don’t criticize their failures: This can make it seem like your love depends on accomplishments.
- Monitor your own expectations: Kids often absorb messages from what they see and hear at home. Don’t engage in self-criticism or negative talk in front of your child. Instead, acknowledge your limitations and celebrate your strengths.
Over time, these small shifts can help your child feel more confident, less anxious and more open to trying new things.
For more suggestions, Dr. Goriparthi recommends these books from the American Academy of Pediatrics:
- Building Resilience in Children and Teens
- Congrats-You're Having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good Person
When should parents get expert support?
Sometimes, perfectionist behaviors are more than a phase. Consider talking to a behavioral health professional if your child:
- Avoids activities because of fear of failure
- Shows signs of anxiety or depression
- Fixates on routines, grades or body image
- Can’t enjoy day-to-day activities
- Seems withdrawn or overly self-critical
- Has sleep issues
- Worries constantly
- Has trouble sleeping or sleeps too much
- Has obsessive behaviors or signs of disordered eating
A specialist can help your child understand their thoughts and develop coping tools that support their emotional wellness.
The bottom line on helping perfectionist kids
Perfectionism in children can be stressful for kids and parents. But with the right mindset, you can help your child build confidence, manage high standards in healthy ways and enjoy the learning process.
Children don’t need to be perfect to be successful. What matters more is having a growth mindset and believing that skills and abilities will improve with effort, practice and support.
When kids learn that it’s okay to make mistakes and try again, they’re more likely to be confident and independent and to have strong mental health.
For more information and resources, contact Banner Behavioral Health at 602-254-4357.
